grace

trying to live with grace. namely letting things come to their fruition without trying to force anything before it's time. letting information percolate and insight come with time. this advice does not always hold true for me. sometimes i get impatient with the process and blurb ahead with the gut instinct feeling i may have. oooops. overshot my boundaries and overcalled a friend on a perceived slight. luckily enough my friend is wise and secure enough to not react and instead choose to calmly talk over situation with me. turns out i am off base and making a story up as to what i expected situation to be. all the hurts and mistrusts i may have had in the past come back to haunt me. i need to forget these and just let go of the expectations that i may have. no one can really hurt me. feeling quite overwhelmed with dealing with the ex husband and his abuse issues. calm and peace will come with time.

communication is so important. we need to not have conversations in our heads but between hearts and minds. like discipline, communication is best when held little but often. we need to bring things up as they arise before they become issues of hurt and contention. when i can get to this point, i will let everyone know.

raining and pouring

what a week. it has been a good opportunity for growth. things have been coming at me from all directions. mainly helping people manage their lives. i try to step back from this responsibility at all costs. however, there are times when people need to depend on you. usually it is someone with no power who needs you to help them deal with the situation that is above their power to correct.

my mother, my daughter, and my ex-husband are all in need of help right now. it is a daunting task. i am trying to relax and get a good sense of where my REAL responsibilites are. quite the mind task. these issues bring up the concept of boundaries and how we set them. all my life i have dealt with the inability to set real firm boundaries. my main source of anxiety in life is knowing when it is appropriate to say "no" and set a boundary line. i am certain that a lot of this has to do with cultural training and brainwashing. women have been viewed as the givers and the everflowing source of support and people have responded accordingly.

i feel calm and composed right now. i am taking steps to protect that which needs it.
i am gathering information so i can make good choices. a good nights sleep helps as well.

addiction

like most people in this culture i have wrestled with the demon of addiction. i have been addicted to many things. i have just finished the book"a million tiny pieces" and have found some answers as to why i feel the way i do.

this book has attracted attention to the fact that some of the events may have been made up by the author. technically this is a non-fiction book but i treat it a fiction and proceed accordingly. the writing is heartfelt and feels real to me. i gained some calm, insight, and wisdom by reading this book to the end. at times i was in tears. fiction or not-this is a powerful and meaningful book. one of the best i have ever
read.

i feel more at ease and accepting of myself after reading this book. i realize that i am no better and no worse than anyone else. i am more at ease with my opinions and am not so eager to believe in the strength and power of others.

this is a must read for sensitive souls who feel pain from being in the world

what inspires me

found this music on napster's alternative
radio station and find i just can't stop
listening to the haunting sounds and lyrics
of the band "blonde redhead". inspiring
sounds to create collage by. may you
enjoy it as well

sad diamonds.

my favorite piece of cinematography ever. i hard a hard
time finding this clip.for some reason it has been removed
from about every post i could find. there is a volume
toggle barely visible on the far right hand of the
screen.
this sequence for me borders on the hallucinatory and
i guess this is why i love it so. this is so far out
of my normal realm of experience. i love these bright
colors and exotic costumes. strangely detached and cold
for so much color and life.

its my house and i will live here forever.
when i was younger i did not believe in the concept of ghosts. now as i grow older i can conceive of such a thing. i also take more stock in dreams and intuition. rationalism and the scientific method are great, but they cannot explain all the things we feel. as i grow older i have more faith in my personal beliefs and realize that
they can have validity and truth regardless of what the prevalent paradigm is being
handed down to us from culture.