porttownsendsummer on Flickr - Photo Sharing!

porttownsendsummer on Flickr - Photo Sharing!

my weakness is love. i've never really known it. i can only approximate a somewhat superficial relationship with it. love has always eluded my grasp and hence my somewhat fetish like relationship wit the concept. i long for love. i long for a relationship that approaches the divine.

i have tried so many times with failure. i have read and thought with no discernable breakthroughs.i 've worked so hard to know this yet i know nothing and feel nothing except for that which is beyond my reach. i've seen my close friends achieve love and yet it eludes me. i guess that is my lot in life to always be the observer and to never experience such emotions. i guess this is just the way things are.  does anyone else feel this way?

artists are the best people on earth

great fun with fellow artisans last night. there are  two things in my life which will possess me to drive 100 miles. ok maybe three things...art,gardening,sex,emmmmmmmmmfour things,cool antiques. this is a closeup of all the things that teesha moore uses in her art.

this is a closeup of tracy moore's work bench where he creates the amazing journals seen here.

i really like the moss green velvet one in particular.............

here are a few fellow artistes that i met that evening. great fun.

athena

she is doing very well. she is a couch diva. all of us gals piled on the
big comfy couch, athena included. we were quite the lounging group, athena
certainly knows how to relax. her front legs are taking over and compensating
for the lack of power in the rear. she is very protective of her new family.

athena the doggie goddess

a dog named athena

a dog in a cage pulls at your heartstrings. i wish we could take better care of our animal brethren so that there were no unwanted pets. this little gal has the most soulful eyes that pierce into your heart. i had to show her to my friend lisa(who really really loves dogs). sure enough lisa was smitten and the story has a happy ending.

athena had a rough start in life. her hind legs were seriously injured in an unknown accident(a car perhaps) and she did not get veterinary care. eventually she was taken into foster care and received some treatment. she probably have leg issues the rest of her life. i am optimistic that love and time will help heal her injuries and she will be able to run with the pack.

athena is going to a great family and i am so happy that athena is being given another chance for happiness even though she is "damaged" and not perfect. i think we all deserve this chance in life-every single one of us.

i was tempted to leave my teenager in the cage and let someone else have her. love overcomes all and i ended up adopting her again and taking her home as well.

spring has been a long time coming to the pacific northwest.


finally the blooms and birds are coming to fruition and the days are long and filled with light.



not much to say but to let nature speak for herself through photographs.


we spend as much time outdoors savoring the sights,sounds,and scents of nature.

there is no other place that i would rather be.

winter is so long and it does have beauty but spring is so short and i want to remember it all.

As one suddenly opens the door into the garden there
is movement everywhere of big birds flying off. The
place is full of excited, emotional blackbirds and
thrushes. I have found a hen blackbird sitting on her
nest. She is in a tangle of boughs of a crab-apple
tree in the hedge and so intent is she that I can
go close to her. She sits so immovable that she might
be carved of wood. Even her eyes remain motionless.
There is some unanalysable emotion in her pose, her head
thrown well back, her beak pointed upwards in a challenge
of patience. Her breast is puffed forward and full, her
body fits the nest all around, that her eggs may be kept
warm. At the same upright angle as her beak sticks her
tail, outwards from the nest. She seems so proud and
tender and gentle; and still her eyes are motionless.
I wonder if she is petrified at my nearness, or whether
the instinct to keep the eggs warm is stronger even
than the instinct of self preservation. I am deeply moved,
although I cannot explain to myself why it is so. I feel
as though I have been privileged in seeing her.

An excerpt from "Four Hedges A Gardner's Chronicle"
written and engraved by Claire Leighton.

This book has recently been republished from the 1930s
original. The writing and engravings are so evocative
of the quiet natural beauty of the garden and nature.
Sometimes the old garden books are the best.

another challenging week

i push and push and do more and more until i finally cannot do
anymore. inevitably the world will ask more of me at the point and
to which i can only respond "what! you want more!"
balancing work and family is a masterful trick. trying to keep
ones humor and sereneness whilst doing this is another act
of conjuring that i am trying to keep up my sleeve.
i am trying to have patience with those who make mistakes for
i know that many have been patient with me along my learning
path. keeping my mouth shut and letting the negative fall by
the wayside. realizing that judgement and blame are useless
negative emotions that are counterproductive.
i promise to do better tomorrow because i have learned
so much today.

it feels like spring is coming. there is something that
stirs in my blood and makes me feel hopeful and full
of anticipation. these are emotions that somehow have
been absent from my life in the past few years.
i try to not have faith in much. but i do know spring
will not fail me. nature will not fail me. for i know
there is one constant in this world-nature. so i have
this lovely "feeling" when i go outside and can smell
the change in the air and see the days getting longer.

today is valentines day-i bought myself some chocolate.
i know i will never fail myself and this is enough of
a gift to know and receive on this romantic holiday.
what better way to celebrate than to love one's own
company and to be satisfied.


i copied a couple of poems from some of my favorite
bloggers. the first is from stephanie lee's blog
to which i have a link on this blog.


"Do you hear that winter's over?
The basil and the carnations
cannot control their laughter.
The nightingale, back from his wandering,
has been made singing master over
all the birds. The trees reach out
their congratulations. The soul
goes dancing through the king's doorway.
Anemones blush because they have seen
the rose naked. Spring, the only fair
judge, walks in the courtroom, and
several December thieves steal away.
Last year's miracles will soon be
forgotten. New creatures whirl in
from nonexistence, galaxies scattered
around their feet. Have you met them?
Do you hear the bud of Jesus crooning
in the cradle? A single narcissus
flower has been appointed Inspector
of Kingdoms. A feast is set. Listen.

The wind is pouring wine! Love
used to hid inside images. No more!
The orchard hangs out its lanterns.
The dead come stumbling by in shrouds.
Nothing can stay bound or be imprisoned.
You say, "End this poem here and
wait for what's next." I will. Poems
are rough notations for the music we are."

and the next is from nina bagley's blog. i have
a link to her site as well.


i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

- e.e. cummings

love and spring are in the air.
ciao
posy

grace

trying to live with grace. namely letting things come to their fruition without trying to force anything before it's time. letting information percolate and insight come with time. this advice does not always hold true for me. sometimes i get impatient with the process and blurb ahead with the gut instinct feeling i may have. oooops. overshot my boundaries and overcalled a friend on a perceived slight. luckily enough my friend is wise and secure enough to not react and instead choose to calmly talk over situation with me. turns out i am off base and making a story up as to what i expected situation to be. all the hurts and mistrusts i may have had in the past come back to haunt me. i need to forget these and just let go of the expectations that i may have. no one can really hurt me. feeling quite overwhelmed with dealing with the ex husband and his abuse issues. calm and peace will come with time.

communication is so important. we need to not have conversations in our heads but between hearts and minds. like discipline, communication is best when held little but often. we need to bring things up as they arise before they become issues of hurt and contention. when i can get to this point, i will let everyone know.

raining and pouring

what a week. it has been a good opportunity for growth. things have been coming at me from all directions. mainly helping people manage their lives. i try to step back from this responsibility at all costs. however, there are times when people need to depend on you. usually it is someone with no power who needs you to help them deal with the situation that is above their power to correct.

my mother, my daughter, and my ex-husband are all in need of help right now. it is a daunting task. i am trying to relax and get a good sense of where my REAL responsibilites are. quite the mind task. these issues bring up the concept of boundaries and how we set them. all my life i have dealt with the inability to set real firm boundaries. my main source of anxiety in life is knowing when it is appropriate to say "no" and set a boundary line. i am certain that a lot of this has to do with cultural training and brainwashing. women have been viewed as the givers and the everflowing source of support and people have responded accordingly.

i feel calm and composed right now. i am taking steps to protect that which needs it.
i am gathering information so i can make good choices. a good nights sleep helps as well.

addiction

like most people in this culture i have wrestled with the demon of addiction. i have been addicted to many things. i have just finished the book"a million tiny pieces" and have found some answers as to why i feel the way i do.

this book has attracted attention to the fact that some of the events may have been made up by the author. technically this is a non-fiction book but i treat it a fiction and proceed accordingly. the writing is heartfelt and feels real to me. i gained some calm, insight, and wisdom by reading this book to the end. at times i was in tears. fiction or not-this is a powerful and meaningful book. one of the best i have ever
read.

i feel more at ease and accepting of myself after reading this book. i realize that i am no better and no worse than anyone else. i am more at ease with my opinions and am not so eager to believe in the strength and power of others.

this is a must read for sensitive souls who feel pain from being in the world

what inspires me

found this music on napster's alternative
radio station and find i just can't stop
listening to the haunting sounds and lyrics
of the band "blonde redhead". inspiring
sounds to create collage by. may you
enjoy it as well

sad diamonds.

my favorite piece of cinematography ever. i hard a hard
time finding this clip.for some reason it has been removed
from about every post i could find. there is a volume
toggle barely visible on the far right hand of the
screen.
this sequence for me borders on the hallucinatory and
i guess this is why i love it so. this is so far out
of my normal realm of experience. i love these bright
colors and exotic costumes. strangely detached and cold
for so much color and life.

its my house and i will live here forever.
when i was younger i did not believe in the concept of ghosts. now as i grow older i can conceive of such a thing. i also take more stock in dreams and intuition. rationalism and the scientific method are great, but they cannot explain all the things we feel. as i grow older i have more faith in my personal beliefs and realize that
they can have validity and truth regardless of what the prevalent paradigm is being
handed down to us from culture.

a zing on the way out

we the willing, led by the unknowing
are doing the impossible
for the ungrateful.
we have done so much for so long
for so little.
we are now qualified to do anything
with nothing.

this made me chuckle. it seems to sum up the
modern work environment.just remember that
thoughts like these may be running through your
barista's mind. practice gratitude for all of those
who do things for you. we all need to scratch each
other's backs and realize that we are all pretty
much doing the best we can with the resources
available to us.

it seems that we are all in a hurry. why?
what do we really need to get done?
slow down and give the person in front of
you or helping you time to breathe.
we cannot operate at this non stop go go go pace.

a happy 2008 to all.

thanks to all who are helping me understand and rediscover my finnish heritage. i must post the above photo of my great grandmother mila and her children. mila came to the united states via a steerage class cunard liner in the may of 1907. she spoke no english and eventually ended up marrying the man in the photo-frank alarik hill. my grandmother olga is the girl in the aqua dress.
she spoke fluent finnish and liked to have banana cream pie for dinner. i miss her so much and still dream that she is with us.

..and here is an English translation...
I seek not power, glory or gold, I wish for the light of Heaven and peace on Earth.Let Christmas bring happiness and put us in mind of heavenly things.Neither power nor gold but peace on Earth.
May the wonder of Christmas come to both poor and rich;Into Earth's darkness bring the light of Heaven.For you I yearn, you I await, Lord of Earth and Heaven,Now bring sweet Christmas to poor and rich.
Translation by Mick Swithinbank

christmas happiness

this was a wonderful christmas. i attribute the success to the letting go of the expectations about how things should go. i only bought presents for the young and asked to receive no gifts. i loaded the house with food and just let the holiday happen. i had unexpected guests and also had unexpected invitations. wonderful. usually there is somewhat of a letdown on christmas day, but this year it did not occur. i've decided that the whole month of december is a time to celebrate and not to focus on the one day.